Derek Jeter in the Headlines

Fully a year after he retired, in which time he never made headlines for any sordid behavior, Derek Jeter in typical understated manner announced that he would marry his girlfriend Hannah Davis. Jeter never revealed much about his personal life during a distinguished playing career with the Yankees, and unlike many of his contemporaries, he never made the game notes or the back pages of the New York tabloids. For example:

·      He never deflated anything but his own ego.

·      He never “liked” something on Instagram while sitting on the dugout toilet.

·      He didn’t promise to make America huge again.

·      He never bro-hugged Jerry Jones or Chris Christie.

·      Carlos Gomez never suggested to him to play the game the right way.

·      He didn’t check himself into rehab before the playoffs.

·      He didn’t break a teammate’s jaw with a punch or drive 100 miles to beat up a coach.

·      He never guaranteed a victory.  
He never called in sick with a migraine after partying the night before and playing golf in the morning.

·      He never called “game” after a winning hit.

·      He never threw a jagged bat barrel at Mike Piazza.

·      He never carried an unlicensed handgun in his sweatpants into a nightclub and shot himself in the leg.

·      He didn’t need to rehab by playing catch or throwing on flat ground.

·      He never found fault with his jersey.

·      He prized family time but didn’t oppose family leave.

·      He never issued a self-serving statement about acting in the best interests of the game.

·      He never kicked anything to the curb or threw anyone under the bus.

·      He didn’t pronounce nuclear as “nuk-u-ler.”

·      The calorie cap never came into play with him.

·      He never hired Isiah Thomas.

·      He never pointed to heaven, pounded his heart, or emitted a primal scream after reaching base.

·      He never had to testify before Congress about steroids or HGH.

·      He never buttfumbled the ball.

·      He didn’t name any children “Apple” or “Blue Ivy” or “North.”

·      His obliques were not hidden beneath layers of fat.

·      He didn’t need an afternoon off after a night game.

·      He never uttered “Thank you for axing” during a postgame press conference.

·      He didn’t drink beer and eat wings in the dugout when he wasn’t in the lineup.

·      He never uttered the obtuse “I get it.”

·      He never dated a Kardashian.

·      Fireman Ed never led an insipid chant of his name: “J-E-T-E—JETE! JETE! JETE!”

·      He never jogged a double into a single.

·      He wasn’t a self-styled thought leader.

·      He never bit an opponent on the shoulder during a game.

·      Jay Bilas didn’t talk about Jeter’s length.

·      He never grew a mullet or rocked a comb-over.

·      He never referred to the “changing landscape of sports.”

·      He never belittled the inane questions asked by sideline reporters.

·      He never spoke about himself in the third person.

·      Cameron Diaz didn’t feed him popcorn at the Super Bowl.

·      He never forgot how many outs there were in any inning.

·      He never proclaimed anything “off the charts.”

·      Stephen A. Smith didn’t dare warn Jeter not to make an enemy of him.

·      He never postured or preened.

·      He never explained anything by referring to his DNA.

·      He was never heard to utter the nonsensical “intrical.”

·      He never went off the chart or the mythical grid.