My Non-Bucket Sports List

Athletic events, moments, concepts, and individuals I hope never to encounter in this life or the next

1. The NBA Dunk Contest
2. A conversation with a sabermetrician
3. The Pro Bowl
4. The  song “Centerfield” at a baseball game
5. Rex Ryan guarantees
6. The words  “baseball” and “conditioning” in the same sentence
7. Field of Dreams
8. Other over-romanticized glosses on baseball 
9. Motocross
10. Another story on TV ratings of sporting events
11. Mike Francesa
12. The Mad Dog
13. The X Games
14. The Indy 500
15. “Cotton-eyed Joe” at Yankee Stadium
16. John Feinstein
17. Field hockey
18. Beat reporters who ask postgame interview subjects, “How big/important/exciting/disappointed, etc. was...? ”
19. The World Series of Poker
20. Pitch-by-pitch replays
21. Slo-mo revolving, exploding logos after replays
22. Heaven-pointing athletes
23. Fireman Ed
24. Bracketologists
25. The Wave
26. Cameron Crazies
27. A treatise on pitch counts
28. WWE/WWF
29. Anything NASCAR-related
30. Chest-pounding athletes
31. Half-time extravaganzas
32. Super Bowl commercials
33. Media coverage of Super Bowl commercials
34. Solemn postgame interviews with losing coaches
35. A discussion about the BCS

David Halberstam & Pet Peeves

During the course of an interview several years ago with Pulitzer Prize-winning reporter David Halberstam, in conjunction with the publication of his book The Education of a Coach, I asked him if he had any pet peeves. He spoke passionately about one.

“People who are enthusiastic about wars but don’t want their own children to go,” Halberstam said. “If you’re going to go around with a little button in your lapel and you’re too old to go yourself, you ought to be willing to send your own kid. If you’re not willing to send your own kid, take the goddamn button out of your lapel.”

From time to time, in conversations with other sports personalities, I’ve asked each of them the same question. Here are some of their responses:

Phil Simms, former Super Bowl-winning quarterback with the New York Giants and current NFL lead analyst for NBC, said, “I try to exercise, try to take care of myself, but I’m weak and I seem to break down all the time. I eat perfect for two days and then all of a sudden I eat something big and fried and then the big dessert. When I fall off the wagon, I fall hard.” 

Annika Sorenstam, perhaps the greatest female golfer in the history of the sport, said her pet peeve is “people who drive slow in the left lane.”

Randy Bernard, IndyCar CEO, said, “I don't like the word ‘can't.’ ”

Randy Vataha, former wide receiver for the New England Patriots and current president of Game Plan LLC, summed up his pet peeve in one word: “Pettiness.”

Pat Williams, senior vice president of the Orlando Magic, was more verbose on the subject. “Protective secretaries, who have to ask 15 questions about why you’re calling when you’re trying to speak to the boss,” he said. “And my second pet peeve is companies that don’t have a real person who answers the phone. I want a real voice.”

Peter Kenyon, the former chief executive of the English Premier League clubs Manchester United and Chelsea, said that he is bothered by “people who talk too loudly in meetings.”

David Gross, commissioner of Major League Lacrosse, had the last word: “People who are late and who don't return phone calls.”

Pride

The topic was pride, and following a short story and lesson on that subject, the third-graders yesterday at my school were asked to complete the following sentence: “I feel good about myself when…”

Here are some of the more colorful and unpredictable responses:

• “I see a rainbow and when I get or win something.”

• “I help my family and when I’m nise (sic) and kind.”

• “I have soup and eat soup.”

• “I am born and I win medals.”

• “I am riding my bike and my go-kart.”

• “I do something nice for my family and when I play with people that no one wants to play with.”

• “I eat smores and when I have pasta.”

Vocations

Last June, the regular schedule for the second grade called for a technology lesson in the library. But on the penultimate full day of classes, the school library was closed and the librarian otherwise engaged. Forced to improvise in the classroom for that time slot, I gave the children a writing assignment, asking them to describe what they considered (A) the most dangerous jobs and (B) the safest jobs, and what made each so. The results were typically, and wonderfully, unpredictable.

Most Dangerous Jobs

Caroline identified fishing, giving three reasons: “You could get lost at sea, the ship could sink, and you could get sick.”

“Building a skyscraper,” said Mazz, “because you could fall off it.”

Kenny agreed.  “A worker at the Empire State Building” was at the greatest risk “because if you fall, you die.” He added a footnote: “My grandpa worked at the tip of the Empire State Building.” Kenny then thought of another hazardous vocation: “Workers on the Grand Canyon.”

What kind of workers, I asked, and what made that work dangerous?

 “The people who make signs and build paths,” he explained. “It’s so far, you can’t even see a river.”

Andrew described the risks to hockey players: “A blade of the skate could hit the back of another player’s leg, where there’s no protection. And the puck could go through your helmet, and also you could get checked by other teams and you could also get in fights.”

Michael saw similar dangers in lacrosse because, he said, “The defense has a six-foot-long stick and your legs have no protection.” Furthermore, “Some helmet bars are very wide, so the ball goes through them.”

Ella saw risks in domestic chores: “A worker at a laundromat because if you fall in the washing machine, you go in circles and could drown.”

Ali identified a job I was unfamiliar with: “Being a gator boy.”

Huh?

“A gator boy—an alligator boy.” She explained: “You have to catch gators with your bare hands. Look, I made a picture of one,” she said, producing a somewhat fleshed-out stick figure who was holding two green-crayoned alligators, one in each hand.

“Catching sharks is dangerous,” wrote Erin. “You could get eaten.”

“No, I think the most dangerous job is being on [the TV show] Call of the Wild Man because you have to catch snapping turtles and poisonous snakes,” said Jade.

“Being in the army,” said Ryan. “You can get shot and bombed and killed and stabbed by a knife.”

Ben took a fatalistic view at odds with his age: “You could diye (sic) at any job.”

Safest Jobs

Andrew: “Workers at the Apple store. It has a lot of security cameras.”

Michael: “Being on Sesame Street because all the things you have to work with are kids and puppets.”

Kenny: “Working at a senior [citizen] center. All they do is sleep and, if you need to, you just call 911.”  Then he had another thought: “Being a worker at McDonald’s because all you have to do is make burgers.”

“And chicken!” said Jade.

Chris: “Making ice cream.”

Mazz: “Driving a boat because all you do is turn a wheel…”

“No!” cried Ryan. “A cruise ship could sink, like the Titanic.” As a safer alternative Ryan suggested being a baseball umpire. “All you do is call balls and strikes and outs and safes and give the catcher new baseballs.”

Ella: “Folding underwear.” This was popular with her classmates, every one of whom laughed and then repeated the word “underwear.”

Caroline said it all in one word: “Playing.”

Ben had the last say. “No job is safe,” he said, because you could get hurt in any of them.” 

For example? 

“A computer worker could get electrocuted and a chef could cut off a finger.”