Devoid of Meaning

In yesterday’s San Francisco Chronicle, Scott Ostler identified three things in sports which he labeled “devoid of meaning.” The three: a football coach's praise for an upcoming opponent, a boxer's boasts before a bout, and anything said during a labor dispute. “That stuff will produce enough hot air to blow-dry Def Leppard,” Ostler wrote.

With all due respect to Scott, I think he overlooked a number of other items devoid of meaning (sports division):

∙ Rex Ryan guarantees
∙ Belabored individual choreography after every play in football
∙ Motorsports
∙ Quickie half-time interviews with college basketball coaches
∙ Pitch-by-pitch replays
∙ Slo-mo exploding logos after said replays
∙ NFL quarterback ratings
∙ Oblique injuries
∙ Discussions about pitch count
∙ Commentary by Dan Dierdorf, Bill Maas, Stephen A. Smith, Craig Sager, Tony Siragusa, Rick Sutcliffe
∙ The BCS
∙ Signature home run calls
∙ Catch phrases
∙ Half-time extravaganzas
∙ Super Bowl pre-game shows
∙ Discussions of Super Bowl commercials
∙ Heaven-pointing athletes
∙ Hyperactive TV directors who insist of cutting away from live action to shots of fans in the stands
∙ Sportswriters whose postgame questions seek to gauge the level of excitement, disappointment, joy, surprise, and meaningfulness. You know, “How excited/disappointed/happy, etc. are you about today’s game?”
∙ The Pro Bowl
∙ The NBA Dunk Contest
∙ Fireman Ed
∙ The strike zone graphic used in this year’s MLB playoffs
∙ Bracketologists
∙ Solemn postgame interviews with losing coaches
∙ Heart-pounding athletes
∙ High-fiving adult spectators who have done nothing to celebrate
∙ National anthem balladeers (It’s an anthem, not a ballad)
∙ Tattoos
∙ Primal screams by athletes after a play while the game resumes without them