Elementary Questions

Questions from curious third-graders after they were read a story today about the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier:

1. Why do they have to guard it?
2. Can the soldiers talk?
3. What if their wife comes up to them and asks them a question?
4. Can they yawn?
5. Can they cough?
6. Do they still guard the tomb if it rains?
7. How long do they work?
8. Can you walk in front of the solider during his patrol?

Wish List

Ten first- and second-graders this year were asked to identify the one thing above all else they would want if given just one wish. Here are the results:

  1. A lot of money and a fish
  2. A flat-screen TV
  3. Unlimited wishes
  4. Yankees tickets
  5. A 38-foot fishing boat 
  6. To be at Six Flags forever
  7. $1 million
  8. More recesses
  9. My own private plan, scooter, and moped
10. For cars, trucks, houses, and tanks to be made out of LEGOs

Catching Heat

This morning at school, a teacher in an adjoining classroom stormed into mine to adjust the thermostat our rooms shared.
   
"It's freezing in [my room]," she said animatedly as she pushed up the dial after first extracting the cover plate looking for who knows what. "If that doesn't work, we'll have to call someone." As she was leaving, she turned back to explain something to me. "You're fine -- because you're a man and men are never cold." Very definitive. "You're always hot. Right!" It wasn't a question.

"If you say so," I mumbled.

"If I say so?" Talking very fast now. "My husband is always hot; my son is always hot...."

I was beginning to feel the heat. 

Go West, Young Men

The two sides in the current NBA labor negotiations continue to talk in an attempt to come to an agreement over a new contract, but wouldn’t the more prudent game plan for success emphasize less one-on-one and more team play? No doubt compromise will be necessary if there is to be a 2011-12 season. In the meantime, perhaps the league could bring one of the greatest clutch players from its past off the bench here in overtime to help break the tie.

Jerry West may not be the face of the NBA, but he is literally its silhouette. It is his image, after all, that is the league’s logo. West was in the news with today’s release of his autobiography, “West by West: My Charmed, Tormented Life.” But back in 2005, in an interview for SportsBusiness Journal, West told me something that is as relevant today as it was then:

“I’ve always felt that players should not be underpaid. Nor do I think that they should be overpaid. I just think that in today’s world, with the agents playing such a prominent [role] and free agency being so important, I think all of us would tend to overpay if we want a free agent. And paying money to players does not make you win. It’s been pretty evident in all sports.

“Does it give you a better chance? You would think it would. But you look out around the league today, and some of the teams with the biggest payrolls have not accomplished very much. I think it’s almost a testament to the agents: They can get people to buy into how great their players are when they might be average players, wanting these average players to make enormous salaries, which a lot of them do.”

Some time later, when I asked West who or what had had the biggest influence in his professional life, a career that included one NBA championship as a player with the Los Angeles Lakers and eight as a front-office executive with the team, he said this:

“Oh, boy. You know, I’ve always been a person who tried to learn something every day. I have some friends who have been very successful away from the basketball arena. And I marvel at the differences in personalities and the incredible instincts that they seem to have for making financial deals and acquiring companies and stuff like that.

“I had a pretty good education working for Jerry Buss for the Lakers when the league was not as prosperous as it is today. Being around him and some of his philosophies and how he viewed you should run a sports franchise… It’s pretty interesting, his philosophy. I learned a lot from him. I learned a lot from a lot of people.”

Maybe the NBA and its players could now tap into that knowledge before it is too late.

Devoid of Meaning

In yesterday’s San Francisco Chronicle, Scott Ostler identified three things in sports which he labeled “devoid of meaning.” The three: a football coach's praise for an upcoming opponent, a boxer's boasts before a bout, and anything said during a labor dispute. “That stuff will produce enough hot air to blow-dry Def Leppard,” Ostler wrote.

With all due respect to Scott, I think he overlooked a number of other items devoid of meaning (sports division):

∙ Rex Ryan guarantees
∙ Belabored individual choreography after every play in football
∙ Motorsports
∙ Quickie half-time interviews with college basketball coaches
∙ Pitch-by-pitch replays
∙ Slo-mo exploding logos after said replays
∙ NFL quarterback ratings
∙ Oblique injuries
∙ Discussions about pitch count
∙ Commentary by Dan Dierdorf, Bill Maas, Stephen A. Smith, Craig Sager, Tony Siragusa, Rick Sutcliffe
∙ The BCS
∙ Signature home run calls
∙ Catch phrases
∙ Half-time extravaganzas
∙ Super Bowl pre-game shows
∙ Discussions of Super Bowl commercials
∙ Heaven-pointing athletes
∙ Hyperactive TV directors who insist of cutting away from live action to shots of fans in the stands
∙ Sportswriters whose postgame questions seek to gauge the level of excitement, disappointment, joy, surprise, and meaningfulness. You know, “How excited/disappointed/happy, etc. are you about today’s game?”
∙ The Pro Bowl
∙ The NBA Dunk Contest
∙ Fireman Ed
∙ The strike zone graphic used in this year’s MLB playoffs
∙ Bracketologists
∙ Solemn postgame interviews with losing coaches
∙ Heart-pounding athletes
∙ High-fiving adult spectators who have done nothing to celebrate
∙ National anthem balladeers (It’s an anthem, not a ballad)
∙ Tattoos
∙ Primal screams by athletes after a play while the game resumes without them