I've Got A Little List...

With apologies to Gilbert and Sullivan...

I’ve got a little list

Of things that won’t be missed.

Take three Davids: Schwimmer, Lee Roth, and Caruso

Plus the redundant “as well” and “also”

Favored by Michael Kay. All of you, please desist.

The dull who, with language, play fast and loose,

Using clichés and other such abuse:

“Pushing the envelope,” “under the radar,”

“At the end of the day”—please keep them afar,

And anything written by Dr. Seuss.

Of landscapes, silos, granular, and brand,

It’s not a farm or a ranch, understand,

Which these words now describe,

But business gibberish that I ascribe

To clods whose touch turns everything bland.

DNA, eyeballs, and mindsets—it’s not biology,

But a dull and deadening ideology

Of dreary writers who would obfuscate

What is clear and complicate

What is simple through clumsy phraseology.

I hereby resolve never to use “systemic,”

“Going forward,” “between you and I,” and “iconic,”

The redundant “new record,” and both

The misused “disinterested” and “loath”

And the overused “absolutely” and “terrific.”

I can live without hearing any more jargon,

Ad or marketing copy, and footprints of carbon;

Madonna, Whoopi, and Angelina’s next children’s book,

Art from Thomas Kinkade and LeRoy Neiman—you know the look.

And Frank Rich declaiming yet again on Mel Gibson.

Save us from the glib, from the philistines, and
From dilettantes Alec Baldwin and Barbra Streisand;

From the benighted who think Jim Morrison a poet.

They’re clueless, the lot—they don’t even know it.

From know-it-alls to buttinskies, we’re taking a stand.

To be continued